Ginnorius

1. High school. Saturday- My friends go on a camping trip to get stoned for whole weekend. I don't go. Monday- I have no friends. They didn't speak to me for the next two years.

2. Work. Go away for a weekend with friends I work with. Saturday night they go to pub, I stay back in my room. Sunday- they no longer talk to me. I ended up finding work elsewhere.

3. T stops talking to me when I take another friend to meet guys T knew because I introduced her to them.

4. J sends me an email outlining how selfish I am and how I spend no time with her. End up bending over backwards to prove her wrong, only to have her have no time for me.

5. Lose friends I work with when they discover I have been on psych unit.

6. A stops talking to me when she decides friendship is over after she meets M. She got what she wanted and dumped me.

7. V tells me to avoid M and stop talking to him. When I don't, V starts huge argument and tells me I am childish. V stops speaking to me.

8. J sends me yet another email telling me I don't care, and that she doesn't like Nick. Haven't spoken to her since June.

I'm sure there are other examples. Girls are bitches and can't be trusted. Yeah, I feel a bit low, can you tell?

This week my biological father and his wife came to visit. He seems a nice man. The story told to me by him was so very different to the one I grew up with. Finally, after 40 years, I know that he didn't leave because he hated me. None of it was his decision. So now I need to tell my mum.

Zebedee.. seriously...
Zebulun
Zipporah
Xyzlia

tonight is my first sleep test at home for my visit to the sleep apnoea clinic.

What is Obstructive Sleep Apnoea?

Sleep Apnoea is a condition which can affect anyone of either gender and at any age, but is particularly prevalent in males, particularly when overweight, with Maori and Pacific Islanders shown to be more at risk. It occurs when people stop breathing whilst asleep.

What happens is that:
• The person falls asleep
• Tissue in the airway relaxes
• The airway closes and the person stops breathing
• Oxygen in the blood falls
• The brain wakes up and causes the airway to tighten
• The person starts breathing again, often with a loud snort
• The person falls asleep again
• Tissues relax again, and the cycle repeats itself, sometimes several hundred times a night

last time I got tested was 13 years or so ago.. and I no longer feel the benefit if my CPAP machine.

A continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP) machine is used mainly by patients for the treatment of sleep apnea at home. Obstructive sleep apnea occurs when the upper airway becomes narrow as the muscles relax naturally during sleep. This reduces oxygen in the blood and causes arousal from sleep. The CPAP machine stops this phenomenon by delivering a stream of compressed air via a hose to a nasal pillow, nose mask or full-face mask, splinting the airway (keeping it open under air pressure) so that unobstructed breathing becomes possible, reducing and/or preventing apneas and hypopneas. This has the additional benefit of reducing or eliminating snoring.

So it should be fun. Test goes over two nights.. one wearing the CPAP and one without.

second visit to glaucoma specialist today for another scan of the back of my eyes. Its the second one I've had and so far it all looks good, there has been no change whatsoever. Yes there is an abnormality but its hopefully congenital. Another scan in six months.
James has a birthday coming up. He'll be 13 in May. Doesn't feel like that long ago I first saw his tiny little worried face.
So that all starts me up with the thoughts.. will he hate me for being away...will friends hate me for not having much contact.. sigh. I regret the loss of some close friendships, ones that I was made to feel (by others) that I was not really as close as they were. Meh.

and I allow people to hurt me why? The email full of emotional blackmail arrived at my work email today. Blames me for ruining her whole time here. This has happened before, and each time i let her back in only for it to happen all over again.
Not this time I think. I know its not my fault. I know I tried. Just like I have tried every other time.
*Feeling worthless and like I don't deserve to be loved.

Friend came over for Easter and to see a favourite band of ours, Split Enz. Did not go well. She has depression and was so determined to be depressed and bring everyone else down with her. We tried to make her forget about stuff back home, to no avail. She even refused to enjoy the concert, threatening to go home every five minutes. Then I didn't hear from her for over 30 hours. When she finally did text me, turns out Nick has inadvertantly said something she has twisted out of shape and taken to mean she is not welcome in our life and has called an end to our 17 plus years of friendship. I don't get it. The one thing I tried to keep hold of when depressed were friends. It was all I had. So now she has flown back to Oz, wished me a safe and happy life. I texted her after she said that but she hasn't replied.
Bleh. Emotional vampire - perfect term.

...life has been pretty good for me. Started my new job 4 weeks ago. I like it. Strange...but I do. Never would have thought being surrounded by death at work would be what I felt was right. Sounds very dramatic doesn't it..surrounded by death... I work in a small house inside the front gates of the cemetery. My official title is Administration Support Officer. What I do is: answer the phones, maintain the burial and cremation bookings and records, make sure all ash containers are correctly packed for interment, scattering or delivery,deal with funeral directors, help with genealogy searches, help with questions from families, talk to the dude in the hospital mortuary, write permits for monumental masons, use the eftpos machine, and drink shitloads of coffee. I have an early start which sucks lol. Eight am. Finish at 4:30pm, and work every second Saturday. Got fireman next door. (hi babe hehehe) Haven't seen any though except through their kitchen window.

Christmas has been and gone. Nice and quiet here. we went out to a restaurant for dinner Chrissie night which was nice. Went out with Nick's mates on NYE..ended up abandoning them in some crappy dance/bar place called Shooters and going back to our fav bar Malthouse. They handed out words to Auld Lang Syne in English and and Scottish versions so we sang one each. Wellie has been an absolute ghost town for the last two weeks. Where does everyone go??

Ten days left of shitty insurance job and then two weeks hols before new job. New one is with Wellington City Council in the Parks and Gardens Dept looking after after Karori and Makara Cemeteries. Quite looking forward to that.

Yet again a quiet time as far as hearing from friends goes...everyone either off on hols or extremely busy with life. Some friends you hope to hear from as you haven't heard from them in years, but it doesn't happen. I guess you lose addresses and its hard to find people again. They don't hear from me either so am not really complaining lol. It's just this time of year makes me think of people I've lost touch with.

Recently found some ex students of mine on Facebook. Made me feel really good to know they are happy and doing well in life. One has finally acknowledged his sexuality and his family accepted it all very nicely. Found a guy I went to HIGH school with.. he's in a stable relationship with a nice guy. It's so lovely to see so many people I know being happy in their lives.

James did really well in school this year.. all As and Bs.

Not long before my uni course starts up again..back to finish the psych unit I deferred last year. Only have to do one assignment as the one already done carries over, and the exam..yeuch.

1. he works in the mines (but is retiring soon)
2. he is illiterate
3. he wants to visit before Christmas
4. he has carried my baby photo in his wallet for 42 years
5. he has a pic of me and him on his tv
6. he has been married 3 times..this last one has been for 23 years so far so it seems he
found the right woman finally.
7. my half sisters and brothers range in age from 38 to 21
8. two of my half sisters are gay
9. my youngest half brother is really excited about me being discovered



how do I feel? no idea

so weird...imagine this. Sitting down to watch heroes and the phone rings. You pick it up not realising by the end of the call your whole life will be different. You suddenly find you are the eldest sister of 6 kids. it's freaky, and it happened to me tonight. I now have this huge family I don't know. I feel kinda sick..but happy..and scared...and confused..and unsettled..but happy.

yeah it does. Not just the actual work which is really kind of..boring..in the eat your own face to make things interesting kind of way. Sad thing is I work with a right lil bitch. He likes to run and dob on people in our team to the big boss. Don't know what he gets out of ot really. he gives gay guys a bad name. If he starts on me, and rumour is he has, I am gonna slap him. Bitch slap him hehe. We could have a girl fight. Bet I'd win. Kick his sissy lil arse. Can you tell he's not one of my favourite people?
I don't want to work for a boss who encourages people to spy and report back to her about staff. To me that is bad management tactics. Bleh. The whispered chats to the boss right in front of us are a bit much. Sigh I have had enough. The pay is shite, definitely not enough for me to put up with this crap.
Soooooo job hunting for the new year starts........Think I may become a job gypsy.

Potterpuffs rule!

What kind of company rewards its staff by giving them chocolates that are 4 months out of date.....?

This is just making me irritable. This is stupid but some people just won't let it go. A member of my board has been banned from another board (luckily only a short ban not a lifetime one like mine) with a similar theme and been told she is a 'troll' and that she has been sent to spy on them for me. FFS. I told her about the other board, yes..purely because - silly me - I was being nice and thought she might wanna check it out. I have done this with a few of the old regular members. Not sending them in to spy. Letting them have the choice of where they post. Some have stayed there. That's fine, their decision. I don't berate them or accuse them of choosing sides. No more - I will not refer my members to their board from now on. Donna and her cohorts can stick their board where the sun don't shine.Anyone who 'spies' for them by reading my blog can tell them so. The urge to jump up and down and yell FUCK YOU is quite great. Seems the idea of 'free will' and 'free speech' doesn't exist in some places.

We went to a concert on Saturday night. Three bands..
First up was The Electric Confectionaires, a young NZ band.
Here they are:

They were pretty good.
Next up was an Aussie band, Thirsty Merc.
This is them:

They rocked. lol Like I'd know.. They were damn good though. I met them hehe


Then the band we were all there for... EVERMORE!!!! YAYYYYY!!
This is the boys:


The curly haired moppet on the left is Jon, the artistic poetic looking one in the middle is Peter and the youngun' on the right is Dann. I think their ages at the moment are around 22, 20 and 18. A talented bunch of brothers. If you can get hold of a cd have a listen but if you can get to a gig oh my god go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are just amazing live.
Heh and yes I am a groupie and yes I did wait to meet them. roflol

Went to a psytrance night on Saturday. Got there about midnight, place was quite full which is unusual for here. Most we've seen at one before was maybe 20 people. This night was brilliant. The DJs were amazing. We met a few people which was cool. Probably never see half of them ever again but they were nice.
One sweet kid called Andrew sat and chatted with us for ages. Even one of the DJs came over, but his friendliness prolly had something to do with ingested substances lol.

Had a moment this morning where I realised that I am finally well, mentally that is. I have happiness and security and contentment and I feel good. Maybe this means my fear of another big depressive episode will lessen. I know I will always have it lurking, but I don't think it's going to be a huge problem again. Not for a very long time if at all.

Second assignment came back on Saturday. 80%..so am pretty pleased. Got 72% for my first lab report so thats an improvement!
Now ot catch up on the stud I am behind in because I stopped everything to do the damn paper.
Trance party on Saturday..got there about 11pm. Only 5 people O_O Slowly a few more arrived but I don't think it got to more than 20 lol. Got home just before 6am I think. Erm..had a bit to drink. Another one to go to in a couple of weeks.
Otherwise everything is quiet. Friends are quiet, but ya know so am I!
My Rupert board is too quiet for my liking. People join but hardly any post. I am so tired of it being me who has to start threads all the time. Oh well..here's hoping it picks up a bit soon.
Hmm..gym or study...?
Looks like its gonna be study and the fascinating world of the conscious,and not so, brain.

I got to try Absinthe. Weird kinda stuff. Tastes like aniseed, burns all the way down. Quite nice though. Am yet to hallucinate from it lol